Slow downward spiral into the abyss

I’m so gripped with fear that any little action I make will cause people to hate me and shun me that I don’t venture far beyond what I’m comfortable with. I get so much anxiety even joining a discord server for emojis that I feel like trash every time I see my name pop up in a join log.

I would love to go out and meet new people but I don’t know how to act around others and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I just sit in my little corner, talking only if I need to and usually very briefly. I feel awful any time I’m forced to ask someone for something because I don’t want to be in their way or distract them from doing something else.

I’m smart enough to know that this notion that everyone will dislike me just because I’m a bit (or a lot) weird and usually the people I have to ask questions’ occupation is to answer questions. Still I shrink away and attempt to live with as minimal exposure to others as I possibly can, however inane it might be. My entire life is hinging on a skeleton framework that is just sturdy enough to let me live.

This obviously is not great for my mental health and I have often locked up to where I couldn’t do anything as I was so afraid everyone hated me or just put up with me as they would feel bad if they left me alone, which is, of course, not the case. Yet the feeling remains no matter how stupid I know it to be. The logical part of my brain only kicks in when I am not depressed and that doesn’t help when I am depressed.

Will I ever get over this feeling? Probably not. Will I continue to avoid everyone as much as I can? Yes. Will I ever find the last dragon ball? Tune in next time to Dragon Ball Z