Rant
Rant
Hi, before I start I’m just gonna let you know that this post is going to be… very emotional and is probably not going to be easy to follow as I’m not really feeling well about my entire mental state and I’m very stressed I’m not on discord a lot as of the moment so don’t expect any replies to messages you send and I’ll probably ignore most of the comments here.
I feel tired and I haven’t had the motivation to do much, my job is starting soon and I am having bad anxiety about getting all the information setup properly and going back to working a stable job, even though the people there are lovely and are incredibily friendly. I feel so stressed out that I haven’t been able to relax the entire day and it’s most likely done quite a number on my mindset. I’ve slipped in and out of a depressed state for a few years now, having the time of my life on most days and then straight to the depths of my icey hell that I’ve made in my brain. Usually, I’ll stay there for a bit and then I’ll just leave, however every time I go back down I go down very hard. I’ve deleted Discord and other apps I use to talk to people on many times because of this and it’s the main reason why I used to leave servers every couple of weeks. I feel like I’ve been unnecessarily rude to people, shifted topics to things I wanted to talk about, and generally had a narcissistic view on everything I comment about.
I’m also very, very paranoid, mostly about how people feel about me and if they actually like me, which during my ups doesn’t really affect me much because I’m in a more stable mindset. I’ll search up my username in servers I’m in to see what people have said about me, even though I never comment on them or gain anything from it and usually it just worsens my time that day.
Every day I feel more and more like I should get therapy and talk to somebody but I keep telling myself that “it’s not that big of a deal” or “your issues aren’t that important” which is ludicrousy when I’m in my ups.
I’m not going to leave everything and just wallow in my own self loathing right now but I will probably just take a break, with my work starting up again it’ll be easier to not have to rely on Discord and social media to give myself something to escape from myself, although it’s only replacing one bad thing with another.