Pain

Pain

Is the pain I am going through right now justification for causing others heartbreak and loss? Would it be right for me to end my suffering and hardship, but make others grieve for, and miss me? Pushing onwards, I have no breaks, no emergency exit. Only the constant moving forwards, no matter how my body aches, no matter how destroyed my mental state is.

Pray for a better tomorrow I know will never arrive. Pray to a god I don’t believe in, who has never cared for me before and will never begin to care. Hope, though I know it won’t happen, that my life gets better, that things will be different, that I will be happy. Wishing like a child, bruised like a person locked away in their own mind for years, not knowing who I am or what my purpose is.

Harsh, words strike me, people who “love” me and “care for” me, people who wouldn’t accept me if I was honest. A cage I was born into, one that some day I will escape, however far that day may be. Bleak, emptiness in my eyes. Cold, emotionless, uncaring for things. Trudging onwards, it’s the only thing I know.

Stumble, pick myself up, dust myself off, forge on. Always forward, never getting anywhere, stuck in the muck and mire of a world filled with potential yet stunted by my surroundings. Wind so cold I don’t feel it anymore, sand so hot it burns until it ceases, pain never stopping and yet never bothering. It hurts so much, but I’m so used to it I don’t even flinch.

God, if only the pain would go away…